I never want to admit that by default I was weaker than everyone around me
I’ve always tried to write about Diabetes in a positive way…… maybe it’s because my shame has got the better of me….. I never want to admit that by default I was weaker than everyone around me…. I’ve hazily confronted death on more than one occasion….. waking up in hospital as I slowly come to my senses…..
You question your worth as a human being when every ‘mistake’ is blamed on “improper management”, but the more you follow the system, the more you realize that you are becoming a product of the system.
I forgot what healthy felt like…… and started to find small rewards in things like surviving the full day without anybody knowing how sick I was….. it became a game of silent survival…. it was my little secret
I was raised by a medical system that taught me that they knew better and I needed to follow the rules….. yet it consistently let me down….. no matter how hard I tried the rules they just didn’t work for me….. eventually I gave up….. it’s the only thing in life I had given up on…… I tried to focus on all the other aspects of life that I could enjoy while my body slowly started to destroy itself…..
I forgot what healthy felt like…… and started to find small rewards in things like surviving the full day without anybody knowing how sick I was….. it became a game of silent survival…. it was my little secret.
My parents raised me on Zero Dean’s philosophy of life…. Where they constantly reminded me that I am a survivor of the unfairness of life. I am stronger than I think. And capable of achieving far more than I believed…… but yet we still unconsciously placed firm limits on how far I could go and what lifestyle I could lead…. These boundaries were created by society and the medical system which informed our view on the life I was allowed to access.
It seems pretty simple right…… just give your child insulin and carry on with life……. but what if the instruction guideline says….. to calculate your insulin, you need to ‘think like a pancreas’
Society wasn’t wrong ….. with the way my diabetes was responding to my current treatment, psychological well-being and lack of nutrition plan, it was extremely risky to take on a black ops elite warrior race, and my body certainly could not handle the training that came along with this goal….. but I was stuck in the comfort zone of allowing myself to play the role of the victim in my life… to stay within the boundaries of my fears and continually be ruled by the idea that I was not in control of how my life played out.
A phone call of courage and my husband had decided that our lifestyle was changing up…. We were taking on a more actively lifestyle….. well we thought it would be a little more active….. week 1 training programme made us realize it was going to be extreme active.
Two weeks into training I woke up one morning and just could not get up, I rolled over till I fell out of bed onto the floor, leopard crawled to the fridge and lay there downing a box of juice to fix a low blood sugar ….. I’m done I thought, enough is enough.
Maybe this new routine we decided to take on was not for me…. I wanted it, but after two weeks of obsessively monitoring my sugars, adjusting, correctly, 24/7 was just too much, I can’t possible keep going like this…. is it worth it… do I really want this…. Fast-forward I’m at work, how I agreed to get my brain to go is unknown….. yet that day lecturing was all about motivating and empowering the third year university class to embrace challenge, it was about choosing do you want the easy life or do you want to take the path of most resistance…… the easy one is there, go take it if you want it….. but sometimes the path of resistance can lead to a beautiful feeling of freewill.
This was the day that I took it all back….. I took back who had the control to make decisions for my health….. and decided I was going to research and experiment until I found the knowledge I needed to make my life work for me, the knowledge I already had a lot of it….. I just had no idea that it was mine to use…..
A week before this moment, I had been introduced to the keto diet at one of Justin’s keto-nutrition series talks……but it had already been firmly shut down by my medical team as a no-go zone.
I wanted my new acquired lifestyle so badly…. I had fallen in-love with adventure obstacle training…… but I knew nothing was worth dying over…. So I had to go back to the drawing table, find the resilience, find a way to get there…. I know I’ll always have to swim upstream, but that’s ok….
I had started to realise that the war inside my head on food was the centre of my inability to keep up with a busier lifestyle…. Understanding your relationship with food is a humbling experience, if you are not afraid to connect with the complexities and pain which has an underlying sense of hope within it’s soils….. could finally figuring out my bodies relationship with carbohydrate really be the answer to ending the war on food which raged daily in my head.